


#Chihokogate

by yawarakai



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: M/M, is there any word to describe this but: crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:07:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24646153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yawarakai/pseuds/yawarakai
Summary: “You’re joking,” says Yuuri, horrified. “I made Victor play strip rock-paper-scissors?”Christophe hums noncommittally. “Yup.”Yuuri wants to self-combust.A fic version of the Chihoko Drama from Yuri on Stage 2017.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 3
Kudos: 53





	#Chihokogate

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I decided to fic the Chihoko Drama from the Yuri on Stage event in 2017.  
> Most of the dialogue is not mine. I got the English translations of the event from this lovely person.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlCZr7fG3fM&list=PLecnCqEVklcMYtPP6P7_FD55DJ8KD23Cf&index=8

**Sunday, 10:02am**

“Don’t puke first thing in the morning, pig!”

Yuuri wipes his mouth with a shaking hand and slumps back against the wall of the bathroom. He glances over at Yuri standing in the doorway, arms folded and expression mutinous.

“Sorry, Yurio, but I can’t really help it,” he sighs.

Phichit peers over Yuri’s shoulder. As always, his phone is glued to his hand. “That’s pretty gross, Yuuri,” he says cheerfully, snapping a picture before Yuuri can react.

Yuuri narrows his eyes. “Phichit, if I see any of those photos on Instagram, we’re no longer friends.”

Phichit sniggers as Yuuri stands to rinse out his mouth before making his way back into the dining room. Seung-gil looks up from his breakfast and raises an eyebrow.

“You have something written on your chest,” he says quietly, much too grave for 10am. “In Russian.”

Yuuri looks down at his chest (and of course he’s not wearing a shirt, because Drunk Yuuri is a semi-nudist) which is covered in a web of spidery black handwriting. “What? When did this happen?”

Nobody answers, though Phichit looks delighted.

“Yurio, can you please read it out for me?”

Yuri glowers but relents, squinting to make out the frankly atrocious writing on Yuuri’s chest. “Uh…it says ‘overcome Chihoko’.”

“Chihoko?” Yuuri frowns. “…who’s that?”

“Like I’d know?” Yuri screeches. Yuuri ignores him. It is way too early in the morning to be dealing with Yuri’s teenage angst right now. “Which Russian could write something so cryptic, though?” he ponders to the room at large. “Georgi?”

Minami blasts into the room, hair wet from the hot springs. “Yuuri-kun, Yuuri-kun, listen! I just went for a morning bath in the hot springs with Leo and Guang Hong and got to meet Russia’s Georgi Popovich! How cool’s that? I got to see someone so cool so early in the morning!”

Yuuri winces. “You sure are in high spirits for how early it is, Minami-kun…” 

Minami is way too animated for ten in the morning, vibrating in excitement as if he’s just discovered the cure for cancer and not just met another figure skater in the bath. “Of course I am! Just performing in an ice show in Hasetsu is great, but it’s ‘Hot Springs on Ice – Victor with friends’ – and I get to be one of those friends!” He almost smacks poor Guang Hong in the face as he gesticulates wildly. “And with all of these ultra-miracle hyper skaters from all over the world, I get to stay in Yuuri’s house, eat katsudon, take baths in hot springs, and sleep together with everyone! It’s too much! It’s so cool! So cool!”

Yuuri attempts to smile indulgently at the boy’s unrelenting enthusiasm, but it comes out as another wince. God, where are his sunglasses? This is the worst hangover Yuuri’s had in years.

Yurio looks incensed. “Shut up, idiot! We have bigger things to worry about. Katsudon, where’d you put Victor?”

“Eh? Is he not here?” Yuuri asks.

“He wasn’t in the hot springs,” Leo volunteers.

“Yeah, we were the first to wake up but we haven’t seen Victor anywhere,” Guang Hong says.

Yurio visibly grinds his teeth. Yuuri can practically hear his thought process – it’s a lot of _fuck this, fuck Victor, why the fuck am I here_ and other assorted niceties. He runs a hand through his hair and stops as his fingers meet soft cotton.

“Huh?” Yuuri pulls the fabric off his head to see – and stares in shock at a pair of skimpy black bikini briefs. Only one person in Hasetsu owns this type of underwear. “What? Why am I wearing Victor’s underpants on my head?”

“Wait, that wasn’t a nightcap?” Leo asks, confused.

Yurio glares at Yuuri. “That’s what I want to know, Katsudon! Good luck giving a convincing answer!”

Seung-gil watches boredly over his toast. “I don’t think there is a convincing reason to wear someone’s underpants on your head. And if there was…”

Someone whispers ‘hentai’ from Phichit, Leo and Guang Hong’s direction. The three of them lapse into giggles.

“That’s not it!” Yuuri splutters.

“Then why?” Yurio roars. “What happened last night?”

Yuuri pauses to think. Last night is really blurry…

**Saturday, 10:00pm**

Victor raises his glass. “Alright, everyone, let’s have a great show tomorrow! A toast to a night in Hasetsu!”

“Cheers!”

Yuuri sips his water with a smile, leaning into Victor’s shoulder as he sits back down. Their friends are visiting, the inn is bustling, Onsen on Ice is sold out – Yuuri is feeling truly content.

Yuri likes to nitpick. “What the hell is ‘Victor with Friends’, anyway? Sounds lame as fuck. It should be ‘Plisetsky on Ice’ since it’s my time to shine.”

Victor smiles indulgently and reaches out to ruffle his hair. “Yes, yes, your time, Yurio, we know.”

Yuri’s nostrils flare in indignance. “Shut up! I’m Russia’s Ice Tiger!”

Yuuri and Victor’s responding laughs are muffled by Takeshi’s booming voice. “Everyone, bottoms up to our own Hasetsu alcohol!” He raises a heavy tankard that definitely _isn’t_ from Yutopia's bar. “Drink up, guys!”

Victor looks down at Yuuri and frowns. “Hm? Yuuri, you’re not drinking?”

Yuuri smiles. “I’m okay, we have the show tomorrow and everything…”

Takeshi gasps as if this is a personal affront. “Yuuri! Everyone’s come to Hasetsu and you won’t even drink? What’s up with that?”

“Is my liquor too much for you to handle?” Chris purrs, and oh my god, when did he get there.

Victor squeezes his hand. “Come on, Yuuri! It’s the pre-show party!”

 _Well, if things get crazy_ , Yuuri reasons to himself, _I can easily blame everyone else_. He sighs for show. “Just one glass, then.”

**Saturday, 11:35pm**

“YEAH! Everyone, let’s drink all the liquor!” Yuuri stands on the table, absolutely plastered, Victor’s Least Favourite Tie knotted around his head. He has no idea where it came from. He raises a bottle of sake to the onsen gods while his friends cheer tipsily.

Guang Hong practically vibrates with delight as he snaps pictures of the mess. Phichit really has trained him well. “Wow, adults are nasty…”

Leo nods. “This is getting pretty wild.”

“Go to sleep, children!” Takeshi booms. “It’s adult time from now on.” It’s a testament to how tired Yurio must be that he doesn’t instantly explode at being called a child.

“Yeah, go…breastfeed or whatever, and go to bed,” Christophe calls from where he is lying face down on some zabuton. Phichit stares at him for a second before shrugging and joining him on the floor.

The kids all yawn and start getting ready to leave. (‘Aha!’ cries Takeshi. ‘They are babies!’) Yurio aims a well-placed kick at Victor’s backside on his way out. Victor is also one hundred percent plastered and so graciously ignores him, instead draping himself over Yuuri’s back and reaching around to pinch his stomach. “Yuuri! My cute little piglet! Let me touch your squishy off-season tummy! See, squishy-squish!”

“Victor, cut it out, not in front of everyone…” Yuuri mumbles. Victor giggles. “Shqueeshy-shquish!”

**Sunday, 10:13am**

If it were possible to die via Seung-gil’s stare, Yuuri would be meeting God in heaven right now. “Shqueeshy-shquish?” Seung-gil enunciates slowly, looking absolutely appalled.

Phichit nods enthusiastically. “Yeah, that’s what he said.”

Guang Hong giggles. “How cute!”

“You two!” Yuri butts in, pointing accusingly in Guang Hong and Leo’s direction. “What are your thoughts on Victor!”

They share a look, nonplussed.

“Well, he’s a god, basically,” Guang Hong says.

Leo nods. “Yeah, we aspire to be like him. Right, Phichit?”

Phichit nods as well. “Getting to see such a cute Victor feels like a dream!”

Yuri turns back to the rest of the group. “See?! That’s why Katsudon didn’t want others to see the cute side of Victor that only he gets to experience!”

This is news to Yuuri. He is not, to his knowledge, a helicopter mom. “Eh?”

“He wanted to bask in the sense of superiority that came from knowing Victor’s hidden personality!”

“Um, Yurio…”

“He wanted to keep Victor, the man admired by everyone, all to himself! So he hid Victor somewhere!”

Yuuri is really too hungover for this.

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” the military armour in the corner of the room interjects. They all jump as Christophe stumbles out from behind the breastplate, mercifully clad in tight briefs. Yuuri is privately glad that he doesn’t have to see Christophe’s family jewels at ten in the morning, because he might have just keeled over and died.

Chris makes a valiant attempt through his own obvious hangover to gesture at Yuri flamboyantly. “I heard your entire story from inside this commander’s armour.”

“Okay,” Leo says slowly. “…But why were you wearing it in the first place?”

Chris twirls with a flourish and plops down onto a zabuton. He plucks a pair of sunglasses (where did those come from?) off the table in front of him and slides them on. God-fucking-damn it, Yuuri thinks waspishly. Even with a hangover, Chris still manages to look like a supermodel. Is there no God?

Chris leans back against the wall. “I remember what happened. After you minors went to sleep, I perfectly danced the naked Chiralian pole dance with my Eros-filled body.”

Yuuri makes a mental note to never ask what ‘Chiralian’ means.

**Sunday, 12:06am**

“I’m gonna come!”

Victor laughs brightly, unguarded. “Ah, Chris, you never change!”

Yuuri gazes at him in awe, mind hazy from sake and beer. From this distance, he can see every one of the imperfections that Victor doesn’t have – his freckles, his laugh lines, his beautifully crooked smile, oh, the little scar on his shoulder that he hates but Yuuri thinks is _so_ hot…

Yuuri blinks. It seems that drunk him has graduated from horny pole dancing to being incredibly sappy for his fiancé. He grins to himself and looks over at the rest of his friends.

Phichit seems to have done the impossible and actually gotten Seung-gil drunk. Phichit deserves an award. Across the room, Georgi and Takeshi sit side by side, leaning on the wall next to the TV. Georgi appears to be lamenting his inability to get black-out drunk (‘I’ve already drunk an entire gallon! Satan, take me away already!’) while Takeshi is apparently locked in a drinking competition with himself.

“I may lose in skating but I won’t lose in drinking! Male Nishigori, bottoms up!” he declares into the void, slamming back a truly outrageous number of shots in quick succession. Classic Takeshi.

Yuuri turns back to his fiancé, who is now smiling dopily at the remains of Chris’ naked pole dance, aka his clothes.

Absolutely fucking not, drunk Yuuri thinks. Victor should only be looking at _me_.

He reaches over and latches onto Victor’s arm. “Hey, Victor…”

“Hm? What’s wrong, Yuuri?”

“Stop looking at Chris, look at meeee…”

Victor meets his gaze and smiles. “I already am.”

“Hmm, no you’re not!”

“Yes, I am,” Victor says quietly, so only Yuuri can hear. Yuuri wraps his arms around Victor’s shoulders and nuzzles into his neck.

“Okay,” he mumbles. “Then…will you…do it with me?” Drunk Yuuri is not the most eloquent.

“Do what?”

“That thing we do when we drink.”

“And what’s that?” 

Yuuri grins and leans up, planting a smacking kiss on Victor’s cheek. “Strip rock-paper-scissors, of course!” he exclaims.

**Sunday, 10:23am**

“You’re joking,” Yuuri say, horrified. “I made _Victor_ play strip rock-paper-scissors?”

Christophe hums noncommittally. “Yup.”

Yuuri wants to self-combust.

Christophe decides to make things even worse, adding, “And after you lost, you said you wanted to add a Kyushu-style belly dance to your Eros program and tried to get Victor to do it with you. Then you stripped his clothes off, swore loyalty to him, put those bikini bottoms on your head like a crown and yelled ‘Let’s get coronated’. And then you stole Victor’s underwear.”

Yuuri covers his eyes in shame. “I want to disappear.”

Yurio has no sympathy. “You katsudon trash!”

“Yes, I admit it, I’m actual trash.”

Christophe shrugs. “I’m just saying, a man who would swear loyalty with underwear as his crown wouldn’t hide his master.”

Leo looks thoughtful. “A coronation with underwear, huh?”

“Huh, a coronation with underwear,” Guang Hong mumbles absently.

“Undies –“

“Okay, I think that’s enough!” Yuuri cuts Phichit off with a shriek.

Minami practically astral projects across the room before anyone can speak, settling next to Yuuri with a frenzied look in his eye. “How about some logical reasoning?” he says eagerly. Yuuri instinctively leans away. “Um…”

Minami adopts a deep, pensive voice and strokes his chin like a TV detective. It’s probably supposed to create an air of mystery but really just makes him look like a yellow-haired Detective Conan. “What if,” he pauses to stroke his imaginary beard some more. “What if there was a person here who wished for Victor to be gone?”

Leo looks mildly surprised. “Are you doing an impression, Minami?”

“Objection!” Minami points a finger at Yuuri in triumph. Definitely Detective Conan, Yuuri thinks. “Yuuri-kun is innocent! I swear on his grandfather’s name!”

“My – what?”

“Look, I have proof! Yurio used this leaflet to write down potential names for his own ice show if he ever had one.” He whips out a Onsen on Ice flyer out of fucking nowhere and slams it onto the table with a flourish. They gather around to read.

_Yuri on Galaxy_

_Yuri on Darkness_

_Yuri on Tiger_

_Me on Revolution_

_Me on You Idiots_

_Me vs the Era._

_Mega Yuri vs Powerful Organisation_

_The Empire of Yuri – The Prologue_

_The Army of Team Yuri – A Counterattack From Hell_

Phichit laughs, snapping a photo. “Wow, what’s with these names?”

“What kind of ice show would ‘Me versus the Era’ even be?” ponders Leo.

“Why does it have a full stop?” Guang Hong asks, like any of them could ever understand what goes on in Yuri’s head.

Seung-gil looks supremely unimpressed, as if the lowly act of writing on the back of a leaflet was akin to stepping in dog shit. Chris mutters something under his breath about ‘the height of puberty’, probably to get a rise out of Yuri.

Predictably, Yuri explodes. “Shut the hell up! Don’t read people’s notes without permission!” He folds his arms and glares. “Otabek came up with half of them anyway.”

Phichit pats Yuri’s head gleefully, earning a scathing look in return. His status as Yuuri’s best friend and the sheer volume of potential blackmail material on his phone are probably the only things standing between Phichit and an early grave right now.

Minami is still stroking his chin for some reason. “Yurio-kun, earlier you said that your time to shine has come, right?”

Yuri glowers. “What about it?”

Minami snaps his fingers in triumph. “That’s it! Yurio-kun got rid of Victor so that he could make today’s ice show into a ‘Me vs the Era.’!”

“Are you stupid?! I’d never do that!” Yuri pauses, squinting at Minami. “Who the hell are you anyway?”

Yuuri has never seen such despair and betrayal on a person’s face. “Me?” Minami’s voice wobbles dangerously. “I-I’m your greatest rival from your Junior days – Minami Kenjirou!”

The ensuing silence is excruciatingly awkward. One glance at Yurio’s face tells everyone that he definitely does not remember, while Minami looks about one second away from bursting into tears.

Takeshi, with truly impeccable timing, bursts into the room. “Yuuri! We have a problem!”

Yuuri winces. God, he’s so hungover. “What’s wrong, Nishigori?” he asks weakly.

“I’ve got an email from my daughters,” Takeshi waves his phone. “The skating fans are ready to riot!”

“What?”

“They’re mad!” Takeshi cries. “How can the show be ‘Victor with Friends’ if Victor isn’t there? They came all the way here to see Victor and they’re outraged that all they’ll get is ‘with Friends’. They’re going crazy!”

“Wait a moment,” Christophe interjects. “How do they know that Victor is gone?”

“Ah. It seems that our pictures have been leaked to social media.”

“What?” the skaters all exclaim. One skater looks suspiciously guilty.

“Phichit-kun!” Yuuri groans.

“I’m sorry!” Phichit cries. “I just couldn’t help myself!”

“Why did you tag it with #VictorWentMissing?!”

“Oh, _everyone’s_ going to blame us for this,” Minami whispers furiously.

Seung-gil decides to get up on his high horse. “So you drowned yourselves in alcohol, huh? Only I –”

Leo interrupts with a delighted, “Seung-gil’s kissing someone in this photo!”

The carefully blank expression slips for a second. “W-what?”

Yuuri peers at the offending photo. “Wait, he’s kissing Nishigori…”

Seung-gil visibly panics. “No, I didn’t! Don’t make me look like some sleazebag skater.”

“Wait, isn’t that Yuuri-kun and Victor in the background of this picture?” Minami pipes up.

Phichit zooms in. “Oh! Victor is stretching Yuuri in the reverse-shrimp position!” No wonder Yuuri hurts all over.

Georgi waltzes in through the open door and, wow, Yuuri _definitely_ forgot that he was here. “Ah, I was almost lured into hell in the hot springs just now. Pro tip,” he adds intensely, “do _not_ enter the hot springs after heavy drinking. _Do not_.”

“Who are you even talking to, geezer?” Yurio is such a lovely boy sometimes.

Georgi is unaffected. “Comrades, it’s almost time for us to head to the battlefield known as the ice rink.”

“Victor’s gone,” Chris sighs in exasperation.

“What?” Georgi exclaims. “Does that mean my time has finally come?”

“No, it hasn’t!” comes Yurio’s furious yell.

Georgi pauses. “Oh – speaking of which, last night, Victor and Yuuri Katsuki had a fight.” Yuuri panics.

Yuri looks extremely validated. “So it _was_ Katsudon’s fault –”

“I haven’t done anything, I swear!”

“Why were they fighting?” Phichit asks.

Georgi looks thoughtful. “I do believe the reason for the fight was…shichinko? Chin – chinhoko?”

Yuuri’s eyes bug out. He is fervently thankful that most of his friends don’t know Japanese. “Come again?”

“Um….shi-chinko-chinhoko!”

“Feel better now?” Chris asks, grinning. God, of course _he_ would know dirty words in Japanese.

“Truly gratified,” is Georgi’s prim reply.

Guang Hong looks incredibly confused. “What’s _shichinko_ mean –”

Yuuri hurriedly steamrollers over the end of Guang Hong’s sentence. He is not about to be responsible for the corruption of minors. “Uh, maybe it has something to do with the thing written on my back? The ‘overcome Chihoko’ thing?”

Georgi snaps his fingers in epiphany. “Chihoko! That’s it!”

“Wait, so you didn’t write this?”

“I would never do something so cryptic,” he sniffs.

“Okay, but what the hell is Chihoko?” Yurio asks, annoyed.

“Yuuri’s girl?” Christophe volunteers, just to be a shit.

“No way! Yuuri and Victor are getting divorced?” Phichit exclaims for the exact same reason. Like they weren’t Right Fucking There for Victor and Yuuri’s respective gay crises. Yuuri needs better friends.

“What’s going on, guys?” Emil Nekola stands in the doorway with a trademark grin. “Hey! Sorry for making you wait, I got totally lost!”

Leo jumps up to give him a traditional American bro-hug. “Hey, man! I didn’t know you were in the show, too!”

“I literally didn’t even notice he wasn’t here,” Guang Hong whispers to Phichit as the others say their greetings and a tray of breakfast appears on the table.

“Man, I’m so glad I made it on time for the show,” Emil says amiably, munching on some rice. He frowns suddenly – it looks strange on his normally sunny face. “Uh, I wanted to ask, though – why is Victor doing that there? Is he practicing a new move for his return to skating?”

They all freeze, Emil’s arrival having distracted them completely from the Victor crisis. Yuuri freaks. “You saw Victor? Where?”

Emil looks slightly bemused by the intensity of Yuuri’s stare. “Uh, on the roof. Of that big castle by the sea.”

“Hasetsu Castle?!”

Fuck.

**Sunday, 10:54am**

They find Victor on the castle battlements, shirtless and yelling “Reverse shrimp pose!” at the beach below. Thankfully, it is empty, but Yuuri suspects everyone has been scared away from their morning walks by the weeping Russian hanging off the building. Said Russian doesn’t come down without a fight.

“Yuuri! Could Chihoko do this?!” Victor screams down at them.

“Oh my God, he’s still drunk,” Yuri mutters.

“Chihoko wants what I have!”

It turns out that Victor, having been utterly smashed, had completely misinterpreted Yuuri’s comment about the flexibility of the castle’s _shachihoko_. Yuri’s expression upon discovering this is so reminiscent of Yakov’s death stare that Yuuri, Georgi and Victor all stand straighter from pure muscle memory. Phichit laughs until he cries.

Victor snuggles into Yuuri (now thankfully clothed) as the group begins the walk of shame to the rink. “Bet that surprised you, though,” he says smugly.

Yuuri can only laugh.


End file.
